


indigo

by goandneverlookback



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: AU, BandTrees, Deh - Freeform, Evan becomes a professor, Evan doesn't know yet but he will soon, I know it's out of the ordinary, It's in the future, Zoe and Evan have a kid, but my eco prof tells stories and i feel like evan would love it, college bullshit, dear evan hansen - Freeform, heidi is grandma of the year every year, i thought this was gonna be a one shot but whoops, sometimes i write things instead of beating my head against a brick wall like id like to, there's probably going to end up being some angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2018-03-13
Packaged: 2019-01-16 05:29:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 10,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12336408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goandneverlookback/pseuds/goandneverlookback
Summary: What if Evan and Zoe had a kid and she never told him? Fast forward 19 years and their daughter is taking an ecology course at the university where Evan teaches ....





	1. Chapter 1

Zoe Murphy feels her heart rate quicken as she sees the familiar hair, familiar shoes, familiar face join her by the benches in the orchard. _Familiarfamiliarfamiliar._ So much is the same, yet everything is different. His eyes look clearer, less clouded by anxiety. His hands are more steady. This time it's her that's keeping secrets. Their conversation is halting, neither of them knowing how much would be too much to say anymore. Everything she wants to say piles up inside of her, and yet, she has nothing to say. He asks how senior year has been. " _Busy_ " is the only answer she can decide on without over sharing or being blatantly untruthful. He says he remembers. Zoe stifles a dry chuckles. He has no idea. School, applying for colleges, yes. Becoming a mom...no. She has to leave, soon, or everything will come spilling out. She makes up an excuse, homework, exams, so less of an excuse and really the truth. As she leaves, she doesn't look back. Someday she'll tell him, but today isn't the right time for either of them. 

**** 

**19 years later....**  
Professor Hansen takes a gulp of tea, feeling the hot liquid run down his throat, warming him on this unusually chilly late September morning. Students file into the rows of seats as the clock edges closer to 8am. Most students try to push it to see how almost late they can be without actually missing anything. Not one student though, Evan has noticed. She's even beaten him to class a few times. While the ecology class is specific to biology majors, Evan usually sees sheet music spilled across her desk before class starts. There was a time when the sight would've driven a dagger of guilt through Evan's heart, but now the feeling is less so. He might not've noticed the music if the girl hasn't seemed so peculiarly familiar. It has to be his mind playing tricks on him, but Evan can't shake the feeling that if Zoe Murphy had gotten a pixie cut, she'd have looked an awful lot like this student. Sure, there's a Murphy on the class roster, but it has to be a coincidence. The age group of these students is too old. Unless this student is younger for her class level and... _No_. Evan shakes his head. It can't be. Impossible really. Just a stupid little nagging in the back of his head. Besides, Zoe had always been so outgoing. This girl is smart; her homework and test scores show it. But not once has the girl raised her hand in class. In lab, her group had been the first ones to finish their tree identification assignment. At last, the clock strikes eight and Evan begins to call students down to collect their graded exams. "Murphy, Indigo." The girl unfolds herself from her seat and hurries to the front of the room. As Evan hands back her perfectly scored exam, they make eye contact for the first time all semester. Evan nearly gasps. He _knows_. He knows those blue-grey anxious eyes. He sees them everyday in the mirror. The rest of the class passes in a blur for Evan. As he walks across campus afterwards, he sees a familiar backpack underneath his favorite tree. Indigo's backpack. Digging his phone out of his pocket as he continues walking, Evan finds his fingers haven't forgotten the numbers he hasn't dialed in nearly twenty years.


	2. Chapter 2

            The phone rings and Zoe moves to answer it, hoping as always that her daughter is calling home from college. The numbers flashing across the screen are unfamiliar, but the area code is local. Her brows furl as she taps the screen to answer. “Hello?”

            “Zoe. Hi.” The voice is familiar. Deeper, more mature than she remembered, but still the same. Zoe eases herself into a nearby chair.

            “You changed your number.” Probably not the most polite way to respond to someone you haven’t heard from in nearly twenty years, but oh well. It’s not the worst way either.

            “Um, yeah. Spelunking during undergrad? Dark caves and standing water and shaky hands aren’t the best combination for electronics.” He’s rambling just like he used to. She can practically see him fidgeting with whatever is in his hands right now. He pauses, the silence hanging across the phone line. “How have you been?”

            “I’m…good. I run my own music studio now. We have a recital coming up in a few weeks.” Work, that’s always a good neutral topic, right? “What about you?”

            “I got a job as a researching professor at OU, teaching ecology and…” Evan’s still speaking, but Zoe isn’t listening, her thoughts whirring a million miles a minute. Isn’t Indigo taking ecology? She wracks her brain to try and remember if her daughter had ever mentioned the name of her ecology professor. “Are you still there?” Shit. She’d been zoning out for too long and scrambles to try and cover her mistake.

            “Yeah. Yeah, sorry. I’m still here. You’re teaching ecology? That sounds really cool.” She fights to keep her breathing steady. Surely there has to be more than one ecology professor at a school the size of OU.

            “I mean I think it’s fun? But ecology is kind of my thing and most of the students are just taking it because it’s required and don’t enjoy it as much.” Evan’s rambling. He knows it; he just can’t help himself. He takes a deep breath and begins to wind the conversation around to the question burning in his mind. “There’s a few students that really get it and seem to enjoy it though? I don’t know there’s one student that I think you’d appreciate. I’ve never hear her talk in class but we were doing a tree identification lab and I overheard her shut down one of the popular jocks for misidentifying a maple tree as an oak. I actually had to walk away to another group to keep from laughing.” He hears Zoe give a dry chuckle on the other end of the phone. “Anyways, enough about my work. Tell me about you. How’s your family doing? Any of those grandchildren your mom always talked about wanting so much?” She can hear the teasing in his voice but that doesn’t stop the panic from clamping like a vice grip around both of their throats. She takes a deep, ragged breath before answering.

            “Actually, yes. A daughter. She’s 19, a junior at OU.” Zoe fights to swallow around the lump in her throat.

            “Indigo.” One word. A name. _He knows her._

            “Yes. You know her?”

            “She’s the one who chewed out the boy over the maple tree. I knew there had to be a reason her spunk reminded me so much of yours.” Yes. Indigo had always had her spunk, though hidden behind a more quiet demeanor than what Zoe had grown up having. Zoe lets out a chuckle.

            “Yeah that sounds about right. Could’ve been that she’s practically a dead ringer for me too.”

            “Everything but the eyes. She looks just like you otherwise.” Yes, the eyes. Indigo had gotten her eyes from her father, a trait that calms or haunts Zoe, depending on the day.

            “Yes. She got her father’s eyes.” Zoe almost chokes on the answer. Not bothering to keep her breathing quiet anymore. Across the line she can hear Evan has abandoned any attempt at doing the same.

            “Zo…is she mine?”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This chapter is hella short but I'm still not sure where I'm going/what I want to do with this  
> *Comment because Indigo's name is from Mood Indigo, which I have no doubt Zoe riffed the hell out of on guitar and it always sounded amazing


	3. Chapter 3

            “Yes.” Zoe’s single word answer comes out as a hushed, tearful whisper. She can hear Evan choking back a sob on the other end of the line. Out of fear, relief, or happiness, she doesn’t know. Likely it’s primarily the release of pent up anxiety they’ve both been holding in. Zoe still holds onto hers.

            “I’m so sorry.” Evan whispers back, tears streaming down his cheeks. He’d never have imagined he had a kid. She would’ve had to have been born before he left. Not long before though. He can understand why Zoe hadn’t been ready to tell him that day in the park. Everything had still been so fresh, so raw, so painful. And then he left. After the Connor Project, Evan had gotten rid of all social media. And then the spelunking incident. Zoe would’ve had to go through several hoops to get back in contact with him if she had even wanted to. A sudden, overwhelming desire to give his mom a hug washes over him. He hopes Indigo was an easier child than he was. The guilt of seeing his mom struggle as a single parent and knowing he left Zoe in the same position is overwhelming.

            “Evan, no.” He can hear the tears in her voice. “Don’t apologize. It’s in the past. For a long time, I didn’t want you to know.” She pauses, taking a moment to try and compose herself before continuing. “It took me a long time to be okay after…everything. Indigo helped with that some. But…I didn’t know how you would react. I was afraid. Somewhere around her tenth birthday, I tried to call you. I didn’t get through, obviously. But I was okay with it. I had her and she had me and that was all we needed.” The silence hangs across the line, though more calm than it had been before.

            “You did good.” Evan’s voice is small as he watches his daughter jump nimbly down from the tree. “Does she know?”

            “That you’re her father? No. All she knows is that he loves her very much from wherever he is, but that he made a bad mistake a long time ago and had to go away for a while.” Evan can  hear the sadness, but also the love in her voice. Her daughter means the world to her. If she doesn’t want him to be part of their daughters life all of a sudden, after nineteen years of absence, he’ll honor her wish and go on his way. He opens his mouth to explain this to Zoe, but she speaks before he can. “I think we should get together, to talk at least.”

            “I would like that, very much so.” His voice is soft, caring, touched.

            “Firefly?” The coffee shop just outside of town where they’d had their first date.

            “Sure. Next Friday, this time?” She agrees, and Evan’s heart feels the way it did after she’d said yes to that long ago first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Tonight's pathetically short outline has been motivated by chopped-up-ham  
> *Comment because Indigo Murphy does covers of Fall Out Boy and Joni Mitchell songs on a ukelele  
> *Traffic's a bitch but I spent the stand still times making a list of facts about these characters and their experiences (I might post them on tumblr but also spoilers)  
> *The next update will be longer I swear I'm so sorry guys


	4. Chapter 4

            By the time Zoe arrives, Evan is tapping his fingers on the hot tea and bouncing his leg uncontrollably. Not that Zoe’s late at all. In fact it’s still two minutes before they’d agreed to meet. She sets her bag on the table with Evan and excuses herself to get a cup of coffee. Evan studies the bag, stuffed full with what appear to be numerous scrapbooks. The bag appears to be handmade, with the quote “when words fail, music speaks” embroidered on the front. He stuffs down a dry chuckle; maybe he should’ve tried singing a song to the Murphys. Soon enough, Zoe returns to the table, a steaming cup of coffee in her hand. They both look so much of the same, yet the past two decades is evident in their appearance. Zoe’s eyes look less haunted, calmer, yet retain the warmth and care he remembers from so long ago. Evan still shakes when he’s nervous, but not as constantly. Dark shadows frame both of their eyes. It’s been a long week gearing up for this reunion. A simple “hello” doesn’t seem adequate for someone you haven’t seen in almost two decades, and have just learned of the child you have together.

            “I like your bag.” Start small, something simple. Maybe that will help ease the conversation into action.

            “Thanks. Me too. Indigo made it for me for Mother’s Day her sophomore year.”

            “High school or college?”  
            “College. She learned to embroider when she was younger and then picked it up again last year.” Her daughter had found having something to do with her hands while she unwinds to be incredibly helpful in keeping her anxiety down to a manageable lever when everything just gets to be too much.

            “That’s really cool. She does a good job.” Zoe nods, and there’s a couple of seconds before Evan speaks again. “Tell me about her? Tell me about you? It’s been so long.” His eyes are warm and open, hopeful however sad. A faint blush rises to Zoe’s cheeks as she answers.

            “Um, I don’t know. I run a music studio now. Still do gigs but not as often. When Indigo was younger, I worked as a music teacher and on the weekends we would go to nursing homes and hospitals. I’d play my guitar and sing and she’d smile so contagiously with everyone.” Zoe let out a fond chuckle at the memory. “Out of all the things I might be, the thing I am proudest of is getting to say I’m her mom.”

            “You both sound incredible.” Evan’s voice is hushed, like he’s not sure if he’s intruding on a private memory or not, but touched and thankful for this window into their lives.

            “She really is. She’s nineteen, a junior at OU.” She _is_ young for her grade, explaining Evan’s initial confusion. “She’s studying biology with a minor in music. At the end of this year, she’ll start applying to med school and take the MCAT and go on to continue doing amazing and wonderful things. She’s going to be a forensic pathologist.” Zoe pauses, as if she’s not sure she wants to say what she’s thinking, but then does anyways. “She wants to study the brains of people with mental illnesses, see if there’s an difference in physical makeup or any physical indicators.” Evan stays quiet, thinking, processing. He nods solemnly and Zoe plows ahead. “Anyways so I brought a couple scrapbooks? I don’t know if you’d want to see them or—“

            “No I’d love to see them. Please.” Zoe reaches over and tugs a light grey scrapbook out of her bag. She flips it open to the first page and Evan studies everything, not wanting to forget a single detail. Zoe describes all the different pictures and momentos displayed.

            “These are her footprints shortly after she was born. She was so tiny…both of our hospital bracelets…that’s her when she was two days old. I was always of the opinion that all babies look like potatoes but then, I saw Indigo.” The next few pages catalog their daughter’s first year of life. In every picture, her bright blue-grey eyes and contagious smile look up at them. Evan’s eyes pause on one photo, and his fingers drift to touch it. Zoe must’ve taken it, as her guitar sits off to the side in the sterile, safe environment. A young woman is holding Indigo, her eyes haunted, her wrists bandaged. But as she holds the infant, a gentle smile graces her exhausted expression. Zoe remains silent. She hadn’t specified what kind of hospital they’d gone to; they’d done general hospitals as well, albeit less frequently. Eventually Evan moves his hand off the page and Zoe flips to the next one. She’s in a few of these. Stress is etched into her features, but she looks at her daughter with a relaxed, calm kind of love.

            “Who took these photos?” Zoe panics internally for a moment, her mind scrambling. There’s someone she needs to call this evening.

            “Me and her grandma.” Evan doesn’t need to know which grandmother. Not yet. He nods and returns to the photos, and Zoe releases the breath she didn’t even realize she’d been holding. The pages turn and toddler years turn into early school years. Evan smiles at a picture of a five year old Indigo, finger pointed at the sky and delight written across her face. “We used to play the cloud game, you know, the one where you find clouds that look like cats, dogs, mommy’s guitar? Anyways, Indigo got a little older and started arguing that there couldn’t possibly be a cat in the sky, so we went to the library and checked out a book on clouds. She’s been hooked ever since.” Evan and his trees; Indigo and her clouds. As they flip through elementary school, Indigo’s smile grows quieter, more reserved. Evan’s heart aches for his daughter as he recognizes his own elementary school struggles in her eyes. Kids don’t tend to be very night when someone’s different from them. The next spread of pictures draws a soft chuckle from Evan’s lips. “When Indigo was in fifth grade, her class put on a historical play. All the other girls were fighting over who would get to play the various queens they’d learned about, but Indigo wanted to be Rosalind Franklin. She researched and put enough information together, and the teacher let her. Indigo was thrilled.” The lab coat swallows her whole and the lab goggles keep sliding down her nose, but seeing the return of Indigo’s bright, unreserved smile make the sight one of the most beautiful in the album so far. Middle school is full of band concerts and newspaper clippings of distinction honor roll. Only one photo from a school dance joins them. “She went to one middle school dance and decided she’d much rather stay home. She said she could dance at home without all the stinky boys and crowds of people. She went in high school though. Student council required dance attendance, and student council looked good on applications, so off to the dances she went.” As the pages turn for high school, Indigo’s smile fades from reserved to distant, then from distant to nearly nonexistent. High school is hard. Evan just hopes his daughter’s high school experience didn’t mirror his own. The smiles at grad parties, at final high school events…they’re all so forced. The pages are filled with documents of acceptance letters, scholarship letters, and quotes, not as many pictures. Two obligatory graduation pictures join the mix though: posed, holding the diploma, fake smile barely shining though, and one someone had taken from their seat, of Indigo staring off into the distance with a somber look on her face. _She looks so sad,_ Evan wants to say, but now is not the time for such a discussion. Not when he’s barely gotten a chance to be a part of their lives. They turn the page and it’s college move in day. A faint smile graces Indigo’s features, dark shadows standing out beneath her eyes. A collage of pictures covers the page next to it. Pictures of…old people? “Indigo worked in a nursing home all summer before going to college. Her residents became her best friends. She cared for them more than any other aide in that nursing home did. I never quite understood how she would keep her heart so closed to the people her own age, but would open it freely to those she knew didn’t have a lot of time left here. It’s…incredible.” Evan turns the page and… “That’s it. I haven’t had the time to put the past few years in yet.”

            “That was…wonderful. Thank you so much for sharing this with me, for everything. You’re…an incredible mom, Zoe. I’m so sorry you had to do it alone.” She shakes her long hair out of her eyes, blinking back tears.

            “No, Evan. I told you. What’s past is in the past. I don’t harbor any ill will towards you regarding our daughter. It’s really thanks to you that I have her. She is the light of my life.” Zoe stands, and Evan follows her cue. “I’m sorry. I’d love to stay but I’m meeting a friend for supper and I need to get going. Stay in touch, Ev. Do you text nowadays?” He nods in response. Zoe reaches up to cup the side of his face with a gentle hand. “Don’t be a stranger. Goodbye, Evan” And with a slight peck to his cheek, she’s gone, leaving Evan standing alone. His breath hitches and his eyes brim with tears. There’s so much he’s missed, and yet in the past hours there’s so much he’s regained. He may have missed the first two decades of his daughter’s life, but he might not have to miss anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Hopefully this makes up for a short ass chapter and then a lack of updates  
> *Self-projection who???  
> *At some point in the future there will chapters from Indigo's perspective and i c a n n o t w a i t  
> *I'm debating if I want Connor Murphy's ghost to ever make an appearance  
> *Comment because if Indigo and Connor had existed in the same time and space she'd have been on of the only peple who could hold their own against him at CAH


	5. Chapter 5

            The doorbell rings and a wide smile crosses Zoe’s face as she goes to answer it. “Heidi! So glad you’re here. Come on in.” The two women embrace before Zoe leads her daughter’s grandmother to the kitchen. “There was fresh eggplant at the farmer’s market, so there’s lasagna in the oven.” Despite her warm greeting, Zoe hasn’t met Heidi’s eyes since the older woman’s arrival, and she seems more fidgety than usual. Heidi gently grasps Zoe’s wrist and tugs her to the couch.

            “Zoe…it’s okay. Breathe. What’s going on?” Zoe bounces her leg as they sit, looking everywhere but at Heidi. The dark shadows beneath her eyes concern Heidi and she prepares herself for the worst.

            “Evan knows.” If Heidi hadn’t been listening carefully, she might’ve missed Zoe’s quiet answer. It’s as if a huge weight has been lifted of her chest, not that she’d tell Zoe that right now though. Nobody’s dying. Her family is safe, and might potentially be united. What more could a mother ask for? She places a hand on Zoe’s knee and smiles at her.

            “That’s wonderful, Zo. So exciting.” Her enthusiasm isn’t reciprocated, but it isn’t rejected either. “Does Indigo know? Have they met?”

            “No. She doesn’t know. But, they have met. He’s her ecology professor.” Zoe lets out a breath. “I don’t know how to tell her. She can’t know until after exams, for obvious reasons…if she wants, I could invite him to Christmas Eve dinner? I don’t know. This is all so unexpected.” Zoe turns to her role model, trusting her guidance. Heidi squeezes her knee.

            “Tell her when she’s home. Don’t do this over the phone. And talk to Evan. This isn’t anything you have to rush into. Take all the time you need.” Zoe smiles and leans in for a hug, tears welling in her eyes. Heidi had initially found out about Indigo by accident, but the relationship and guidance she’s provided has been invaluable to both Zoe and her daughter. A timer goes off in the kitchen and Heidi rises to get it, leaving Zoe to sort through her tears on the couch. She’ll keep seeing Evan, and if everything goes well, she’ll present the idea of Evan coming for Christmas to Indigo at Thanksgiving. It’ll all be okay. She gets up and joins Heidi in the kitchen , the tension from earlier fading away.

 

* * *

 

            Heidi shuts the door behind her with her foot, moving into the living room and crashing on the couch. Her heart is full. Not only did she get to spend the evening with Zoe, but Indigo had decided to facetime her mom while Heidi had been there. Her phone rings and she sighs as she digs it out of her purse. But…it’s not work. The smiles returns to her face as she answers the phone.

            “Hey, hon. How are you doing?” The smiles slips away as quickly as it had returned. She hasn’t heard Evan’s breathing this ragged in…years. “Ev, talk to me. Is everything okay?”

            “Mom…I have a kid.” _Ah._

            “Evan, that’s wonderful! Breathe, honey.”

            “She’s nineteen, Mom. She’s not a baby. And I—I left them alone. I turned out just like my dad.” Heidi can here the tears Evan has stopped trying to fight and her heart breaks. Her son may have a doctorate and be in his thirties, but he’ll never stop being her little boy.

            “No, Evan, you are _nothing_ like your father. He knew what he was leaving behind and he made his decision anyways. You’re nothing like him.”

            “But even unintentionally. I abandoned them. I left them alone.”

            “Ev, listen to me. You didn’t abandon them. They weren’t alone. It’s okay, honey. They’re okay.”

            “Maybe, but how can you know for sure? What if they’re not?” Heidi takes a deep breath. With every year that passed, she’d wrestled with asking Zoe about telling Evan. After eighteen years, she still had no idea how he’d react, or how he’ll react to her role in everything.

            “When Indigo—“

            “Mom, you _knew?_ ”

            “When Indigo was about a year old, I ran into Zoe at the grocery store. She had a baby strapped to her chest. I doubt I would’ve figured it out if Zoe hadn’t panicked when she say me and begged me not to tell you.”

            “You knew.” There’s a million different emotions running through Evan’s head but none of them are expressed in his voice.

            “Yes. I’m sorry it’s been so long, Evan. When I first ran into them, I agreed with Zoe. You both needed space. So I did what I could and stepped in to help wherever needed.” A beat passes. “Your daughter is incredible, Evan.”

            “Does she hate me?” Evan’s heart clenches. He knows he’d deserve every bit of it, but he still hopes his daughter doesn’t harbor the same guilt and bitterness towards him that he felt towards his father, for the sake of both of them.

            “No, hon. Quite the opposite. She doesn’t know you yet, but she wants to love you. She’s intelligent. She’s understanding…She used to ask for you every year for Christmas. But she’s like you, Ev. Even from a young age she’s been able to understand people’s need for space.” Evan is silent on the other end of the line, save for a few sniffles and deep breaths. His breathing has calmed, Heidi is grateful to hear.

            “Thanks, Mom. I love you.” Heidi smiles into the phone. He sounds exhausted, spent, as anyone would after the panic he’d been in when he’d called. Aside from that, he sounds calmer, a warm balm on his mom’s heart.

            “I love you too, Ev. Get some sleep. You have ecology early in the morning.”  
            “Indigo’s class.” Heidi can practically hear him falling asleep over the phone.

            “Yes, Indigo’s class. Now go to bed. I’m just a phone call away if you need anything.”

            “Night, Mom. Love you.” And with that, he’s gone. A soft smile sticks with Heidi as she gets ready for bed and even as she falls asleep. The people she love are safe and sound, and that is enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Comment because when they found out Indigo couldn't eat gluten, Zoe vowed to find any alternative because there was no way she'd eat gluten free pasta ever again  
> *Rachel Bay Jones owns my ass  
> *This chapter ended up so fluffy?? What??   
> *I have no words for how much I appreciate the character of Heidi Hansen


	6. Chapter 6

            She looks ragged, Evan thinks to himself. He wars with saying something to his daughter, whether it would be appropriate for a professor to express concern to a student or if he’s caring too much too soon. Maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to be distant if her haggard appearance didn’t feel so heartbreakingly familiar. Nights up late studying, stressing, riding out the waves of a panic attack until early in the morning. He hopes she’s not like him. Dear god he hopes she’s not. Maybe it was just a bad breakup. Her boyfriend dumped her, cheated on her. Normal teenage stuff. Yeah, maybe that’s it. As twisted as it sounds, Evan hopes that’s what it is. He keeps trying to convince himself he’s being over protective, that he’s overreacting. Maybe he is. Regardless, it wouldn’t be professional for him to find out.

 

 

**_Five hours prior…_ **

**_(3am)_ **

            Hot. The tears streaming down her face feel as though they’re burning. Cold. It’s hard to tell whether the shakes that wrack her small frame are from panicked sobs or the cold. Both are valid contributors. Indigo swipes angrily at her cheeks, biting her lips to try and silence her sobs. _Pathetic. Worthless. Disappointment._ Words race through her mind, overwhelming her. Shaky legs carry her to the bathroom, a trembling hand struggling to turn on the shower, leaving the lights off. She drops her clothes in a heap on the floor and steps into the hot streams of water, letting everything loose. Heaving sobs and shaking breaths leave her lightheaded and dizzy. Hoping her legs don’t give out on her, she carefully lowers herself to sit on the shower floor under the hot spray. Water flows down her back, easing the tension however slight. Indigo presses the back of her hand to her open mouth, having lost track of what all is dripping off her face as she gasps for breaths. Snot, tears, shower water…she’s beyond the point of caring. A spark of awareness brings a wave of humiliation and self-degradation and the onset of fresh tears. In this moment she is grateful for the frequent absence of her roommates. While at times it can be lonely, tonight she’s thankful no one is around to witness her falling apart. Eventually the tears subside and Indigo reluctantly turns off the water. She stands back up and feels the room spin in the surrounding darkness. While occasionally disorienting, the darkness is calming, soothing, helping to dull all the sense threatening to overwhelm her. She flips on the fan, the whirring drowning out some of the remaining overwhelming, toxic thoughts. She’s exhausted. Her chest aches. Her throat is raw. Anyone who says mental illness is “all in your head” is lying. She looks at the clock. Ecology begins in four and a half short hours. Her alarm goes off in three. Regardless, Indigo turns to the kitchen/living room rather than her bedroom after redressing. Two cups of water go in the microwave and Indigo takes a seat on the edge of the couch, bouncing her leg as she waits. Ten minutes later, she finishes preparing a cup of tea and curls up in the corner of the couch, pulling up a documentary on her laptop. Minutes turn into nearly half an hour as Indigo waits for relief to come. Tea long since finished, the necessity for sleep is beginning to kick in but the idea of returning to her bedroom is still…too small. She grabs a blanket and her charger instead and returns to the living room, wishing that everything was different, that maybe someday she won’t feel so trapped in her mind. A soothing voice drones on about the formation of clouds as exhaustion finally takes over and Indigo falls into a short, restless night’s sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Comment because Indigo Murphy was born three days after Christmas and was almost named Holly  
> -You guys are amazing and I hope you're all doing well  
> -I might start a cloud blog on tumblr because I definitely feel like that's something Indigo would do  
> -UPDATE: Indigo did start a blog on tumblr. Find us at denim-colored-skies


	7. Chapter 7

            A few scant feet apart, a wall between them, a grown man and a young woman bounce their legs in sync. The division advisor left mid-semester with very little warning, leaving various professors to scramble to fill in the gaps. Indigo sits outside Professor Hansen’s office, awaiting her allotted time slot for advising for spring semester. There’s simply too many conflicting classes. The previous student exits and she stands, shifting her weight from foot to foot. Professor Hansen appears in the doorway, telling her to go ahead and have a seat, he’ll be right back. Up close he’s much less…intimidating? Not that he was intimidating to begin with, just that, well, most all people are intimidating to Indigo until she gets to know them. Up close, something about Professor Hansen feels…familiar. The way he taps his fingers on the edge of the keyboard while waiting for the computer to load, the way meeting her eyes seems to take the same amount of focus for both of them…little things you don’t notice from the back of the classroom. Evan takes in the young woman in front of him, her leg shaking and eyes darting and he sees so much of himself in her it’s almost frightening. Her voice is kind, shaky, lower than Zoe’s, and richer, more open. He tears his eyes away and back to the computer, surveying her four year plan. “So how’s the semester going for you?” Indigo lets out a dry chuckle and Evan notices the dark shadows standing out beneath her familiar eyes.

            “It’s going, busy.” Her words are fast, then halted, as though she doesn’t know what to say next. Do you ask a professor how their semester is going? Is that too personal? Should she try to make conversation or just let them sit in silence? Professor Hansen saves her the debate following with a question of his own.

            “How many credit hours are you taking?” His tone is light, conversational, at least he hopes. His _daughter_ sits in front of him.

            “Nineteen.” Evan’s eyes widen as he looks back at the computer, gazing down at her current course load. Four classes requiring labs, and a music class that he assumes required outside practice time but he doesn’t know how much. Regardless, nineteen is a lot.

            “Wow. That’s a full schedule.” He watches her closely as her eyes dart to the floor.

            “Yeah a bit.” She brings a hand up to chew on a nail only to be thwarted by a band-aid. Between the two hands, three fingers require band-aids while the rest have chewed off nubs for fingernails. Black nail polish chips off them, just like Connor’s always did. Evan wrenches his heart away from his brain and turns the conversation back to scheduling conflicts for next semester. Physics is offered from nine to ten fifteen and Indigo’s leg bounces up and down so much like her mom’s and genetic and molecular biology is offered at eleven and Indigo fidgets with the sleeves of her grey zip up and accelerated Spanish is offered at ten and eleven and when Evan asks her a question she stops chewing her nails and sits up a bit straighter and talks with her hands before curling back in on herself and she looks so much like him she looks so much like him _oh my god she is just like him_. The three classes compete for two time slots and the professorial side of Evan’s mind competes with the caring father side and she is _there_ right in front of him and he can see she is hurting and he wants to help and he wants her to know she is not alone and he wants her to know he is _here_ for _her_ but he can’t. Not now. Not yet. By the end of session, the conflict between three key classes is still unresolved, leaving one to be taken spring semester of her senior year. Evan knows he should be impartial, but he’s relieved when she leaves with only thirteen credit hours on schedule for the spring. It’s not a lot, but it’s something he can do to help. Goodness knows his child needs a break, and a friend it seems. The next student comes in, but Evan’s heart and concern remain with his daughter as she walks down the hallway, earbuds shutting out the world, stress and exhaustion painted across her face. Thanksgiving break can’t come soon enough, for either of them.

 

 

* My cousin and I challenged each other to draw something and send it to each other because we both have minimal confidence in our shit drawing skills but want to improve and I did a terrible sketch of Indigo under a tree and if you want to check it out it's [here](https://go-andneverlookback.tumblr.com/post/167792656146/fanart-challenge-with-my-cousin-ft-my-oc-standing)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Hello all I haven't updated in for-freaking-ever but school has been kicking my ass and I apologize  
> * Also this is a very short, very shitty chapter and I apologize for that too  
> * I needed something to fill between the last chapter and the upcoming chapter (which I have written down but it's busy af here so I hope to have it typed by the end of the weekend and hopefully it's better than this chapter is)  
> * Comment because Indigo Murphy believes in equal amounts pumpkin pie and whipped cream  
> * It's one in the morning and I hate myself but I love all of you and I hope you're doing wonderfully


	8. Chapter 8

            _Finally._ Indigo tucks her hair behind her ear, bouncing her leg nervously as the clock shows class is almost over. The last day of classes before Thanksgiving break. Anatomy is interesting; the content is probably her favorite out of her classes of the semester. Overall though, ecology wins. Despite her initial hesitancy to sign up when there are so many other classes she needed to take, Indigo realizes she’ll actually miss the class next semester. The anatomy professor releases the class and she heads back to her dorm. The clock ticks three o’clock by the time she finally finishes all the cleaning and packing she’d wanted to get done before break. It’s not a long drive, but long enough they decided it was more efficient to live on campus. She pulls into the driveway and puts the car in park, a tired smile growing across her face. A grey tabby cat waits on the front porch and Indigo approaches as calmly as she can before smothering her cat with hugs and kisses and cuddles. Her mom always teases her that she comes home to see her cat and not her mom. Indigo proceeds inside and finds her mom in front of the computer, likely doing something for work. Zoe turns around as she hears the door close and hopes her smile covers up the stress she feels.

            “Hey, honey. How was school?” Indigo shrugs, studying her mom’s face.

            “It was there, as always. What’s wrong?” _Damn._ Her daughter knows her too well.

            “Just the Christmas recital coming up and I’m a little stressed is all.” She can tell Indigo doesn’t believe her, but much to Zoe’s relief, her daughter doesn’t press the issue. “Your grandmother is coming for dinner.”

            “Savta Heidi or Grandma Cynthia?” Indigo would never admIndiit to having a favorite, but she secretly hopes it’s her father’s mother coming tonight. They have a special bond that Indigo lacks with Cynthia. She can be herself around Heidi, even if she’s not at her best.

            “Savta Heidi. Everyone will be here Thursday for Thanksgiving though.” They sigh simultaneously and Indigo giggles. The kitchen fills with laughter and Zoe’s heart feels full, despite the slight nagging in the back of her mind. They go about making dinner and before they know it, there’s a knock at the door. Indigo’s face lights up as she flies out of the kitchen to answer it. Zoe hears Indigo’s excited squeal and a note of surprise from Heidi as she walks calmly to the living room. Indigo’s spindly arms wrap around her grandma’s neck and Heidi hugs her back just as tightly. They catch up with each other as a timer goes off in the kitchen. Zoe can feel her anxiety creeping back up as she pulls the homemade pizza out of the oven. Heidi gets plates and Indigo gets silverware and then they’re all sitting down together. A hungry silence falls over the three of them and Zoe runs out of reasons to delay the conversation. She takes a deep breath and steels her nerves.

            “Hey Indigo, do you remember what you asked for every year for Christmas and your birthday from the time you could talk until you were about eight or so?” Indigo nods, still focused on her pizza.

            “Sure. To see my dad. Why?” She takes another bite. Zoe sets down her pizza, having lost her appetite.

            “Your dad wants to meet you.” Indigo stops mid chew, eyes wide. She swallows hard.

            “My _who_ wants to _what?_ ” Heidi reaches over and lays her hand on top of Indigo’s, who flinches, but doesn’t pull away.

            “Your dad, honey. He wants to get to know you.” Indigo shuts down all the words she wants to say. After nearly two decades of absence? Why now? She doesn’t know all the details of what happened between her parents, but she know they both ended up hurt. If anyone things they can hurt her mom again…

            “When?” She cracks out the monosyllabic question. Her mom blinks back tears and struggles to meet Indigo’s eyes as she answers.

            “Christmas break. Beyond that, we don’t really know. And if you don’t want to, honey, that’s absolutely fine. He’ll understand.” Indigo shifts her gaze to meet Heidi’s, who smiles reassuringly and nods. Indigo smiles and turns back to her mom, her mind whirring a million miles a minute.

            “Not my birthday. Anytime else is…fine.” As much as Zoe tries to hide it, Indigo knows her birthday tends to be a little rough for her mom. It would make sense, as she shares the day with her late uncle. Indigo doesn’t mind though; she’d rather forget about her birthday anyways. Zoe gives her daughter a watery grin and Indigo tries her best to ask a question with her eyes. _Is this what you want?_ She smiles and squeezes her daughter’s hand. Yes. She was hesitant at first, but now she knows, yes, this is what she wants. Even if it doesn’t work out, they have a chance. And right now, that is enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *aye my dudes I wrote this a week ago and just now got it typed up but on the flip side I have the next half a chapter already written up  
> *comment because Indigo has definitely binged the entire series of the Real O'Neals in a weekend (i definitely haven't done that) (if Indigo gets a boyfriend just know he's gonna look like Noah Galvin) (still haven't decided if she's going to get a relationship in this fic) (also spoiler Indigo is ace)  
> *dead week is next week and finals the next but hey next weekend I'm going to the Yule Ball with my cousin and after semester is over we're dying our hair and binging It's Kind of a Funny Story and The Edge of Seventeen and The Perks of Being A Wallflower its gonna be lit  
> *I hope you all are doing amazing and know I cherish every single one of you and if you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you (also @go-andneverlookback on tumblr) don't hesitate, loves


	9. Chapter 9

            His phone rings and Evan picks it up, breathless from his bike ride. “Hello?”

            “Christmas Eve?” His mind races into action, trying to keep up.

            “Zoe?” There’s a rush of breath on the other end of the phone and Evan thinks he here’s Zoe sniff.

            “I’m…sorry. I should’ve, um, lead into that better? Indigo’s home for thanksgiving. Your mom came over for dinner tonight and we, uh, we…will you come to Christmas Eve? Our place?” A wide smile breaks across his face at the words Zoe stumbles over.

            “I’d love to.” Zoe lets out a relieved chuckle at his calm words.

            “Great. That’s really…great. Um, I’ve gotta go. Can’t wait to see you again. Bye, Ev.” Evan can’t remember the last time his face hurt from smiling so much. The nerves will kick in later, but right now? Post-bike ride endorphins and the thought of meeting spending Christmas Eve with his daughter have him on top of the world.

 

* * * *

 

            The next few weeks following Thanksgiving flew by for Indigo, full of tests and thoughts and projects and _oh my gosh_ her _dad_ is going to be _here._ Just sixteen more days. She bounds up the steps to the front porch, crouching to scoop up her cat. A wide smile breaks across her face as she lets herself into her mom’s house. “Mom! Guess what! There’s a tree in U—“ She stops shouting midsentence at the sight of someone on her mom’s couch, someone she knows.

            “Hello, Indigo.” The glee from moments before has entirely disappeared, in it’s place a flat somber affect. Her lips twitch in response to her professor, maybe trying for a smile? “I take it you found the Nakayima tree interesting?” Indigo shifts her weight back and forth between her feet as she nods in response. They here a flush down the hall and finally Zoe steps back into the living room.

            “Hey sweetie! I didn’t know you were coming home today!” She leans in to hug her daughter, careful not to squish the cat between them.

            “Mom…Professor Hansen is sitting on the couch.” Indigo knows it must sound like a stupid statement, but coming home to find your ecology professor visiting with your mom? Things are a little jumbled upstairs.

            “Evan and I went to high school together. The coffee shop in town is closed because of a water main break so we came back here.”

            “You have good taste in tea.” Indigo turns to look at Professor Hansen again, meeting his eyes just briefly before dropping them away.

            “Thanks.” Her voice is flat, quiet, unsure. “I’m gonna take Aspen outside before she gets too hot.” Indigo leaves and Zoe turns to Evan with a wide-eyed expression.

            “So…she named her cat after a tree?” Zoe gives him a _look_ as he tries to lighten the mood and he clears his throat, looking over at the front door Indigo exited. “Yeah, she’s definitely mine.”

            “No shit, Sherlock. You’re the only one I ever…” Zoe trails off as Indigo steps back inside, fiddling with her music. She looks up to see both adults staring at her intensely. The effect is quite unnerving.

            “I’m, uh, gonna work on some homework, if that’s okay.” She bends to pick up her backpack before looking up at them again. “Is Professor Hansen staying for dinner?” Evan seems to break out of a trance at his daughter’s question.

            “Actually, I should get going. I promised Mom I’d swing by her place today too.” He hesitates on the way out, as if he wants to give Zoe a hug but for the sake of Indigo, doesn’t.

            “Thanks for the afternoon, Evan.”

            “Anytime, Zo. Thanks for having me.” The ladies watch him safely to his car before shutting the door behind him. As soon as the door closes, Indigo whirls around to face her mother, a million questions expressed in her wide eyes.

            “ _Mom._ ”

            “Indigo, it was just coffee, as friends.”

            “He’s my professor!!”

            “We figured that much out but that’s not why we got together. We ran into each other a couple months—“

            “ _Months?!_ ”

            “—ago and it was just nice. We hadn’t seen each other in almost twenty years.:

            “So you just invite every guy you run into from high school back to our house? Great idea, Mom!”

            “Indigo, that is enough.” The firm tone of Zoe’s words is enough to bring sense back into Indigo and her face falls into remorse and concern.

            “Mom…I didn’t mean it the way it came out. I just…I don’t want you to get hurt again, like with Dad.” Without the frantic, intense energy from before, she looks so small, carrying what at times feels like the weight of the world on her shoulders. She either doesn’t care at all or she cares too much. Zoe pulls her daughter into a tight hug.

            “I know, honey. But I’m an adult, I’m your mom. It’s my job to worry and take care of you, not the other way around. And I’m not sixteen anymore. I’ve learned from life. And regardless of how much hurt your father and I went through, he gave me you, and you are worth every bit of it and more. I love you so much, Indigo.” She buries her face in her mother’s neck, hugging her tightly.

            “I love you too, Mom.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * two update days in a row what  
> * my brother's winter formal is this weekend and I'm supposed to go home and serve dinner with my dad but let me tell ya last year I was forbidden from coming home because im a freak and too weird and let me tell ya im fucking salty  
> * comment because when Indigo was 14 she accidentally broke a mirror trying to teach herself Newsies choreography in her bedroom  
> * if y'all are actually still reading this let me tell ya you're a beautiful flower and I cherish you and I hope you're doing okay


	10. Chapter 10

            “Mom, it’s 9:27!” Indigo bounces her leg rapidly as she sits by the window, having run out of preparatory tasks for the day.

            “Indigo, we all agreed on 9:30, and the snow is coming in pretty heavy. They’ll get here when they get here.” Zoe tries her best to hide it, but she’s just as nervous about today as Indigo is. She joins her daughter by the window and lets out a sigh of relief as a small grey car pulls into the driveway. Heidi is here first. Indigo rushes to open the door and lets out a shiver in response to the bitter cold.

            “He’ll be here soon. He left not too long after me.” The nervous energy in the room is practically palpable but Heidi’s calming presence helps to diffuse that a bit.

            “Merry Christmas Eve,” Indigo greets her with a quick hug. Zoe and Heidi head into the kitchen to chat and Indigo resumes her position by the window, anxiously awaiting her father’s arrival. Excitement and nervousness vie for the primary emotion flooding through her. At last a mid-sized hatchback pulls into the driveway and Indigo springs into action, eyes wide with fear and anticipation. “Mom he’s here!” Heidi and Zoe join her by the window and the car door opens and dark shoes become visible, followed by khaki covered legs, a dark coat, and…a familiar face. Indigo turns to the two older women, confusion written across her face. “Mom?”

            “Why don’t you go let your father in?” Heidi suggests as both Murphy women struggle to find words. Indigo crosses the room much slower, more cautiously than before, cracking the door before opening it all the way.

            “Hi, Indigo. Merry Christmas.” Evan offers a small smile, trying not to convey his nervousness. She closes the door behind him, still staring in silence.

            “Hey honey.” Heidi greets her son with a hug, followed by Zoe. No-no-no-no this can’t be. Professor Hansen can’t be her dad. She’s sat in his class for _months,_ sat in his office planning classes for next semester, and he said _nothing._ Even through the panic, pieces fall into place. The way some of the things he did felt so familiar, the way sometimes she saw herself mirrored in him, the way his eyes are the same exact ones she sees in the mirror. Indigo doesn’t realize how long she’s been lost in her mind until Heidi is guiding her to the couch and her mom is leading ~~her dad~~ Professor Hansen into the kitchen. “Breathe, Indigo. Breathe, honey.” Her grandmother’s hands rub up and down her upper arms, soothing and grounding her. They sit like that for a few minutes, separating panic from reality. Finally, Indigo regains her voice.

            “Professor Hansen is…your son? My…dad?” Her voice is shaky and raw. She hates how close to tears she sounds.

            “Yes. We didn’t tell you until now because we didn’t want to jeopardize either of you with university policy.” Indigo nods. It makes sense. As betrayed as she feels right now, she knows once things settle down she’ll be glad they made the choice they did. “Do you want him to leave? Give you some space?” She shakes her head in response to Heidi’s kind offer. She can do this. She stands on shaky legs and her and Heidi join Zoe and Evan in the kitchen. The conversation halts when they appear in the doorway. Zoe beckons them in with a tilt of her head and her daughter cautiously takes a seat next to her, across the table from Professor Hansen.

            “How…?” The word comes out gravely and raw. Indigo clears her throat and tries again. “How long have you known?” Evan looks to Zoe, then down into his cup of tea, then settling on Indigo as he begins to answer.

            “The day I handed back your guys’s first exam. You look so much like your mom, but you have my eyes.” Indigo nods.

            “Why now?” The words come out more harshly than she’d intended, but for once she doesn’t follow with an apology. Her twentieth birthday is in four days. It’s been long enough. Evan opens his mouth but Zoe is the one who answers.

            “He didn’t know, honey.” This isn’t news to Indigo. The question had tumbled around her head long enough in the weeks since Thanksgiving break before eventually breaking down in tears asking her mom for an answer. The hard, ugly truth had come out, and while it had hurt, Indigo understood both sides of the story.

            “I didn’t know. But once I found out…I’ve already missed almost two decades. If you’ll let me, I don’t want to miss any more.” The look on her professor’s face is too raw for a professor-student interaction, but ‘dad’ still feels too close, too intimate. Indigo nods and looks down at her hands.

            “I think…it’s worth a shot.” It’ll take time, just as everything worthwhile does. The four sit in something resembling contented silence until the oven timer goes off, startling everyone but Heidi. Zoe goes to stand up but Indigo beats her to it, pulling a pan of cinnamon rolls out of the oven. Evan gives Heidi a sideways glance at the…cinnamon rolls. “You’ll have to forgive the texture. They don’t rise well, but they taste just fine.” Zoe gives a dry chuckle.

            “Indigo cooks much better than my mom did on her gluten free spree.” Evan gives a dry chuckle in return, though he feels his mouth go dry. They all settle down at the table and Evan has to admit, while he wasn’t hungry to begin with, the cinnamon rolls are very good. Everyone goes back for seconds…except for Indigo, Evan notices. Not his place to comment, or ask, or really do anything more than simply notice at this point. Maybe someday though.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Sorry it's been so long finals are next week and I'm dying  
> * Also the ending of this chapter is super awkward because I couldn't decide where I wanted to separate it from the next chapter  
> * Comment because Indigo has most definitely covered Left Behind (from Spring Awakening) on her ukelele  
> * Monday night it was 59*F and Tuesday night it was 21*F with windchill I hate Indiana  
> * You are all wonderful and I hope you're doing well  
> * Comment whether you'd like to see Indigo get a boyfriend later in this fic or if I should start a series of one shots/another fic where that happens


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alrighty so fully intended to have a second part of their Christmas Eve festivities, but realized I know next to nothing about Hanukkah and wanted to be able to write it properly and then went home for break and lost literally all motivation to write except for this angsty shit chapter so pretty much Indigo gave Evan a tie with trees on it. That'll probably make an appearance in later chapters. Evan gave Indigo a cloud identification book and the tree identification book he had through high school/college. That's probably going to be significant too. Thanks for putting up with me guys.

            The clock on her phone turns midnight and Indigo lights a single candle. “Happy birthday, Connor.” With closed eyes and not a trace of a smile, she blows it out, throwing the room into near complete darkness. Indigo never met Connor—her mother’s brother had died before she was born—and yet she still feels a significant bond with him. There’s the coincidentally shared birthdays, but also all that she’s learned about him from her mom. Growing up Connor and Zoe were so close people often mistook them for twins. But as they got older, things changed. Something happened in the mind of Connor Murphy and his little sister didn’t understand. He went from being her hero, to being the monster in their story. There were moments, few and far between, where a glimpse of the old Connor showed through, or even a glimpse of the Connor inside, behind all the angry walls he hid behind. When Connor killed himself at the beginning of Zoe’s junior year, she’d been bitter and angry and yet desperate to believe he hadn’t been as awful as she’d come to know. Indigo’s father had provided that explanation at the time, and when things with him fell apart, it was all Zoe could do not to fall apart as well. Her world was shaken for the second time that year. With the crushing isolation she’d felt from the backlash of the Connor Project, the uncertainty of her future now containing a child, and the crippling darkness of Evan’s truth, Zoe had thrown herself into books. Connor’s top ten in an old yearbook, memoirs of anxiety and depression, stories of suicidal ideation and books about trees, all captured in Zoe’s journal entries to an unborn Indigo. After receiving the journal on her eighteenth birthday, Indigo has read nearly every book mentioned. Through the books in which her mother found healing, Indigo has found understanding, familiarity, and a connection. While studying music in school, Zoe pursued a minor in psychology, searching for even more depth and understanding. The memories still hurt, the pain of who she lost is still fresh at times, but through time and understanding, Zoe has reconciled the brother she loved with the brother she lost, how the two were one and the same, and how the downfall of the one had lead to the other. There’s only so much one person can take, and sometimes genetics makes some people more vulnerable than others. Connor’s mind was broken, and it affected his actions. But not who he was. The war inside his head had made Connor hostile towards everyone, and Zoe was no exception. However, she’d been in the splash zone far more often than others had, and consequently bore the brunt of his frustrations. Over time she’d hardened her heart to him, or at least she’d thought she had. Indigo couldn’t have been more than five, still young enough to get excited for her birthday, climbing into her mom’s bed in the wee hours of the morning to find her still awake, her face wet with tears. By the time Indigo was twelve, she’d grasped the finality of death but grappled with how young her uncle was when he died. Brief questions, even briefer answers, until Heidi and Zoe sat down with Indigo to talk about anxiety. Back then Indigo remembers not understanding how someone could go so far as to kill themselves. In the years to come she’d become intimately acquainted with the feeling, not that she’d ever admit that to her mom. But Connor, she’d found…solace. In a way, sharing her birthday with Connor makes it easier to get through, because for Indigo the day is focused on making sure her mom is okay. Every year though, they finish the evening with Zoe reading The Little Prince out loud to Indigo, a tradition they’ve kept for as long as Indigo can remember. A reminder not to grow old too fast, to remember what matters in life. The clock shows two in the morning as Dead Poets Society plays quietly on the television. Professor Hansen Evan will be at their place for dinner this evening. Indigo wonders if he knows the significance of today to Zoe. He had to have, at one point. But does he remember? Maybe she should tell him. But when would she see him before he arrives? Maybe Heidi already reminded him. Yes, that would make sense. Indigo turns her attention back to the screen, choking back tears. The first time watching the movie, Neil’s suicide and the aftermath had been the hardest to watch. After knowing what happens, the happiness Neil portrays shortly before his death is the hardest part. Did he know, when he was laughing with his cast mates, how he would conclude his evening? Did Connor know, that morning, that it would be his last family breakfast? Did he know his actions that day would be his last? Did Connor have any happy moments before he was gone? Swirling thoughts exhaust Indigo to finally falling into a restless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Fun fact: my mom was adopted and her birth mother wrote a journal for her, which gave me the idea for Zoe's journal to Indigo.   
> * I'm picking my roommate up from the airport in a little under four hours. I've never been to an airport. But this should be interesting at least.  
> * Comment because Indigo and Evan share a love of All Time Low's songs for running/working out to


	12. Chapter 12

            A shaky hand hovers over the clock at 6:44am, waiting for the alarm to sound and immediately shutting it off. Evan throws his legs off the side of the bed, rubbing the exhaustion from his face. December 28th. Indigo’s birthday. Connor’s birthday. He can still remember twenty one years ago, the first anniversary of Connor’s birthday after he had passed. He can remember holding Zoe as she gave in to the sobs. Connor hated his birthday in his last few years, but when they were children he had loved it, because Zoe had loved Connor and it was a day all for Connor and when she got so excited how could he not get excited too? Zoe had said she hadn’t known what she did wrong when he stopped enjoying his birthday, but Evan understood all too well the details he hadn’t shared with Zoe. Sometimes your birthday turns into a reminder of  another year come and gone in which you haven’t managed to die. But Evan couldn’t share that insight at the time, not when the running story was still that he had fallen from that tree.

            “Well it’s been a while.” Evan startles as he looks at the figure sitting on the bed next to him. He must still be dreaming.

            “That’s an understatement. Am I awake?” Connor tucks a lock of hair behind his ear and turns to Evan with the same inquisitive gaze he’d developed during Evan’s first few years of college, a sarcastic quip always at the ready.

            “I don’t know. Are you?” It figures. Evan’s thought more about Connor in the past four days than he had in the past four years.

            “Why are you here?” Connor shrugs in response.

            “You know why I’m here.” He has a point. Evan has no idea how to approach tonight. And once again, who else does he have to talk to? The blonde sighs and turns to look at the long haired man beside him.

“I don’t know what to do about tonight.” Does he mention Connor’s birthday? Does he pretend like the dates aren’t aligned? How do they navigate days like these? Is it okay to be happy or should he be more reserved? Does Indigo even like her birthday?

“Don’t kiss Zoe in front of her daughter.” A smile plays at the edges of Connor’s lips and Evan lets out the breath he’d been holding in with a quiet chuckle. After Evan’s senior year, Connor’s ghost hadn’t gone away like Evan had initially hoped, but rather became more of a friend than a haunting. Recognizing that he was a figment of Evan’s subconscious and becoming more acquainted with who Connor had really been helped.

“Well shucks. I had a full make out session planned for the moment I walked in the door.” Connor chuckles and shakes his head before sighing and looking back at Evan.

“She’s your daughter, and your daughter’s mother. Zoe’s grown up a lot since high school, but still craves the love and affection she did the first time you knew her. Everyone was focused on me for most of her teen years but _you_ were focused on _her_. And Indigo...she didn’t even tell you her birthday was coming up. Heidi and Zoe brought it up. Do you really think she’s all that into her birthday? Use your common sense, Evan.”

“You are my common sense in this situation. You’re just verbalizing what I already know.”

“Exactly. Have you got any food? I haven’t eaten in like a decade and a half?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *sup y'all I haven't updated in for-freaking-ever, sorry about that  
> *comment because Indigo almost started a health food/vegan instagram/tumblr blog but didn't when she realized she eats the same foods over and over and there would rarely be any variety or new content to post   
> *I'm terrible at consistent updates but I do have the beginning of the next chapter written out and the rest of it planned so hopefully it'll be soon but I'm also writing to procrastinate on schoolwork so maybe not  
> *TL;DR I have about as much of a clue as you guys do when the next update will be  
> *thanks for sticking with me. you're all wonderful <3

**Author's Note:**

> *This has been tumbling around my head for so long and it's f i n a l l y out  
> *I hope you guys like it as much as I do  
> *This is a working title because let's be honest do I ever really know what the heckaroo I'm doing  
> *I might make this into a multi-chapter fic but I'm not sure yet  
> *Comment because Evan's kid is a cloud genius  
> *Visit me on tumblr go-andneverlookback because I love all of you


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